So that was a bit longer of a break than I had anticipated. Turns out an infant is rather time consuming. Someone jokingly told us that infants are benevolent dictators. I think that's a pretty apt description, actually.
I've taken to telling people I've fallen down the bébé hole (a takeoff on the rabbit hole from Alice in Wonderland). It's like I've entered this strange new world where time is suspended and entire days go by before I surface for air and make contact with the rest of the human race.
I'm not complaining, though. I love that I have this time to totally immerse myself in getting to know my daughter. Ruby is perfect and beautiful. I love her so much it's scary. People try to warn you but nothing really can prepare you for the intensity of emotions you experience with your child. Strangely, I feel like the helpless one between the two of us. She seems pretty clear on what she wants but I'm still learning to read her cues and I don't always get it right at first. It's getting incrementally easier each day but I still have moments when I'm just overwhelmed.
Some days I embrace The Motherhood. When we're up, dressed, and out of the house at a decent hour to see friends or run errands I catch myself thinking, "Yeah, I've got this. I am rocking the mom thing." And then there are other days when I wake up with anxiety just thinking about the enormous responsibility that comes with this 9 pound little lump of humanity. Those are the days when it's a struggle just to get out of the house for a walk and I feel like I'm not cut out for this mothering business.
I'm told the ambivalence I'm experiencing is fairly normal. Thank god for all my mama friends who've been through this before and who've lent their support and welcome advice. One friend told me in a few short months it all becomes your "new normal." I sure hope so- nothing feels normal right now.
A large part of the normalcy I've been missing is baking and cooking. Life on Ruby-time revolves around 2-3 hour feeding cycles and I'm still not very good at getting much accomplished in these short periods. However, one Friday night recently I did manage to bake a cake with Ruby strapped to me in the baby wrap. I can't say it was my best effort but even so, I felt a sense of accomplishment in finishing it.
I know I promised this baking blog wouldn't become a Mommy blog but bear with me. Here's hoping the little dictator lets Mom return to the kitchen soon :-)